The Bravest Thing My Mom Did

Losing someone dear to your heart hurts. Losing a family member hurts. Losing a mom... well... 

That silence right there is the closest explanation anyone could give to the feelings of emptiness and sadness and even confusion one feels when losing a mom. My mom never fit in. She never fit in society. She never fit in the life she led. She just never fit in. Even in her death, she didn't fit in.

She suffered a lot. She gave away a lot. She lost a lot. She laughed and cried. She was crazy, often mistreated, always misunderstood. Those who claim that they knew her, tell of her good deeds, her good heart. Those people have good intentions but miss one brave thing my mom did. It's not like she's a celebrity, but she was well respected in society. Like Bob Marley, who is remembered for his Rastafarian religion of weed smoking and Reggae music, from which he repented and was baptized into the body of Christ during the last days of his life, many will remember my mom for her works of charity but few know of the bravest thing she did in the last period of her lifetime.

In the Bible, God says that "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6) and that on the Cross, "He (God) made Him (Jesus) who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." (2 Corinthians 5:21). My mom was courageous enough to put aside all of her filthy rags to humbly accept the salvation of the cross of Jesus Christ. Let no one be mistaken. In no way am I diminishing the value of all of her charity work. God is the only judge of all we do. But I saw her humble herself before the Lord of Lords. Knowing her background, I testify that it was one of the bravest things I've seen. I was so proud of her. I told her that too.

She left an emptiness in me. She loved me a lot. She couldn't express it though. Even in her hug, something essential was missing. She was handicapped by her illness. But she made it very clear that she was struggling to make that voice of love be heard. I could see it. How I wish I could help her. She fell victim to her bruised character, so misunderstood, so mistreated. I wish I could call her one last time, tell her I love you one last time, tell her I'll miss you, tell her ... See you in heaven. My hope is strong but my flesh is weak.

It seems unjust to the worldly mindset and it seems foolishness and weak to the boasting ego, but only the righteous will enter eternal life (Matthew 25:46), and accepting the cross is the only way to become righteous (1 Peter 2:24). Likewise, I find difficulty to find peace in my feelings but my faith in Christ strengthens me. I know my mom is saved, because " If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." (Romans 10:9-10), and my mom did that! She did it by agreeing on the Word with me and in Church in front of the entire congregation. She did the bravest thing anyone could do in this life. 

While many mistakenly pity her, she is blessed and in peace with the Lord. I write this to comfort those who do not know and to give hope to all those who have not yet taken this brave decision for their own lives.

I must admit that I write this to comfort myself as well, because in no way am I exempt from weakness in faith. I write this to let all know that my mom was a fighter and even though her illness caught her in a weak moment and took her life here on earth, she had already secured eternal life in heaven. She was a winner while many thought that she lost. She was an overcomer while many thought that she gave up.

This emptiness within is left for a purpose now. This yearning feeling is a constant reminder of better things to come. The love missed is a cry for more of God... More of love for the weak and struggling, for a broken world, for the mission of the cross.

I lost my brother once. I was mad at God and mad at the world. I never had a relationship with God. It led me deep into darkness and almost lost everything in life. As I say goodbye to my mom now, I'm left with a yearning desire, to know Him more, to humble myself and seek Him more... What a difference it is! To know God, to know His love, to know the greatest mystery, the treasure of the cross...